Wed 25 Feb 2009
Didn’t you know you were hurt?
Posted by laup under Discussion, Meditations, Outbreak, Random Encounters, Supernal Diver, Weirdie
[2] Comments
Time to go searching under the baseboards. A lyric from a song I’ve been listening to a lot lately has been running in my mind. Listen for the things you haven’t heard. My friend Xtine has been calling me “listener”, which is a title I couldn’t claim for myself even if I recognized and understood it as being true. You really do need other people to call you on your crap, both good and bad.
Pisces modesty holds me back sometimes. Maybe that Aquarian scrutiny of my friends Hexe and Alexi, with a touch of that raw, firey spirit of my Aries friend Xtine will give me the strength and the wisdom to look in the mirror long enough to do something that matters.
“Do without doing, and the doing gets done.” There’s that crazy rune message again. I keep thinking I have to do something. Twelve years ago, a wise person I knew said, “People don’t need to do anything Paul, they shouldn’t have to do anything. They’re already together.” I thought she was nuts, nuts, nuts at the time. She said, “Your best friend will call and you know you’ll come back to him.”
I thought she was full of it at the time. Except for that weird crawly feeling at the back of my spine that told me I didn’t know squatle-dee-doo.
I mean, one miracle’s enough, right? If you lose the best part of you and it is restored to you, when you thought it was gone forever — well hey I don’t know squatle-dee-doo, but I’d say that’s a pretty good day.
Xtine always said there’s a bonus round. Hell, she IS a bonus round.
Stuff happens without us knowing the how and the why. Dogs and cats, living together without warning, that sort of thing. I was super fortunate to meet and know a best friend forever in this life. I might forget the fun of playtime that reaches the height of consciousness in this life, but can any of that be undone?
I dunno, but it can be made into a living hell while you’re still alive. You can be ground into the dirt and lose everything, and know it as long as you’re alive. The glory of living at a high level of existence can be taken away from you at any time.
I never accepted that. If it was granted, and taken away I screamed and raged until I didn’t know my own name. I just didn’t know the cycle of being lost and returning, of finding and losing. Someone was trying to make a point, that I just didn’t get it. It wasn’t one thing or the other, it was both.
Part of me the last few months had been saying the other thing, but I wasn’t hearing it. “This is how it goes down.” Yeah, but how could it go down like that? It makes no sense! “Because it will. You don’t know squatle-dee-doo, remember?” I couldn’t hear what my instincts were saying. Yeah, I think they’re right, but I haven’t a clue how it could happen. I know nothing. I got beat down, remember?
“You aren’t beat down anymore. Answer the call.”
The phone was ringing, so I picked up. Somebody wanted to talk. I never thought in a year and a day they would. But my wise friend was right. All of a sudden I realized I was okay, and I could see clearly now. A piece of my soul restored, as mysteriously as it had been removed. How does that happen? A bonus miracle, just in case I missed the importance of the first. Judgment Day dude, you are waking up. As many miracles as you need.
dear p,
i’ve been sailing in the far new york water, and come back around to read here today. mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. goob a loos going in the oven, and miracles aplenty. i feel a relief.
as many miracles as you need. wow.
today i feel tired, but i do notice the miracle in the moments unfolding. on the bus yesterday, some russian woman and her two grandkids. nana! they kept calling her. both the little boys in their winter jackets all zipped up, little legs sticking out. one holding a sandwich, each time he said nana! we saw gooby sandwich in his mouth. crumbs on his cheek. nana in a fur hat and a fuzzy thick coat next to me on the seat opposite the boys. we were in the section of the bus, one of those double busses, where there’s an accordion like middle and inside the accordion like middle there’s space for four seats: two and two, facing each other. on the floor there is a circle, the pivot for the accordion like middle. so there we were in the belly of the whale. the boys had sandwiches. i had sunglasses that i took off. we rode together across the park. crazy wind outside. nana inside.
xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox
x
I keep hearing some of those monsters talking about what you’re up to, and when I get the chance I use my internetty powers of clairvoyance to sneak a peek. You’re out on a hunt, which is a quest of the simplest sort – find food, bring it back to the tribe, but not so different to the heroic circle journey.
I mean, crap, nana! That’s heavy duty stuff in Russia. Grandkids, sandwiches, serious business. No smiles outside in Russia, because man, in the great tail joint of the whale, where nana is all the time (at least, that’s the spirit of the approach), fierce, fierce everyday crazy windswept plains stuff.
You are in a tough, tough place there. And yet you sweep off your sunglasses and make it loo so easy! Go huntress, that knife is THERE even if you can’t see it, you LIVE this shyt. Right there with nana who had to rough up a few droll dumplings to get those sandwiches. It’s a sacred thing, sharing a meal together, and there you were — imagining the places where the food lives, waiting for you to play the game and find the food! Then you come back next year (next time, next quest) and do it again. Going, returning.
Total loves to ya.